This Is Me

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“You are enough, you are so enough, it is unbelievable how enough you are”                   – Sierra Boggess

 

 

 

I have recited that quote dozens of times, yet I still can never quite believe it. At least when it comes to myself that is. I have no problem believing in others, validating them and their dreams, and making sure that they know they are enough.

But when it comes to myself being enough, I can never believe it. It is not a matter of me needing to meet other people’s expectations, rather it’s a matter of me being unable to meet my own expectations.

I’ve never been pretty enough for myself, never smart enough for myself, never funny enough for myself,  never cool enough for myself, never woke enough for myself, never healthy enough for myself, I could go on all day with the enoughs that I’m not. When it gets down to it, I’m just not good enough for myself and I could never understand why.

I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression and while I try to not allow these illnesses to define me, they bring a new perspective to my life that makes me say, “Ohh, well that makes sense now”.

For example, I used to believe that I didn’t have real emotions and was a robot because I knew how I was supposed to feel in a situation but didn’t actually experience those emotions. This led to me often pretending to feel the required emotions so I didn’t look like a weirdo robot. But nope, I am not a robot, I just have depression.

I have always felt an invisible barrier between myself and the people I try to talk to. I am always worried about penetrating that barrier because what if they wanted to keep it up, what if they were not ready for me to break the barrier, or what if they thought they wanted the barrier down but upon dismantling it, realize they’d rather have it up? Yeah, that was good ol’ anxiety talking.

Anxiety and depression are definitely not what I imagined having in my life when I was a kid ( I was hoping for cool friends and copious amounts of money) and as much as I’d love to rid myself of them, I would not be me without them.

Well maybe I would, probably a calmer and joyful version of me but I can’t even imagine what that would be like.

This isn’t to say I’m not a happy person who enjoys the people they spend time with, the things they do, and the life that I live, it just means that my anxiety and depression get in the way of enjoying it more often.

This blog is my attempt to cope with everything that I am struggling with in a positive and public way, in the hopes of making someone else feel less alone.

It can be so hard to struggle but no one said you have to do it alone.

So please join me on my blogging journey and feel free to message me with your own stories and ideas!

Once I get over my anxiety and depression, it’s over for you all. 💁‍♀️